A Perfectly Reasonable Explanation: Baker's Dozen the Third

In many kid's cartoons you will see that the bigger animals can speak and act like humans, but fish and bugs cannot. I say that that is bullshit. Either anthropomorphize everything or nothing at all. Do not play favorites within the animal kingdom. One phylum is as good as another.

People get very excited when someone dies doing something that they love. "Oh, Jim died parasailing - but he loved it! He died doing what he loved!" Okay, fine - but he is still dead. How about remembering one of the many times Jim parasailed and managed to survive? Do not be so selective with your memories of your dead friend Jim. He was better than that and you know it.

When I see people dance, I always think the same thing: "Stop." They look so stupid. ...okay. I admit it. I am just jealous.

The first new car I bought was a black 1997 Pontiac Sunfire. I kept that car for eleven years. Then I bought a black 2008 Honda Accord. When I got that car, a friend said to me, "You sure do like black cars." Come on now. Black is a common color. It is not as if I chose purple. And more importantly, I do not think two vehicle purchases in eleven years is enough of a basis to define my color predilections. Stop pretending that you are a profiler, Alex. You do not work for an elite criminal taskforce. What is next? Are you planning to try to catch a serial killer based on two measly pieces of information? That is flimsy police work, my friend. He will evade you like the muskrat evades the panther.

When you stay over a friend's house, they are likely to offer you their bed to sleep in. This is considered good hospitality. But I find it strange sleeping in my friends' bed while they sleep on the couch or some air mattress. Can we not just allow the host keep their normal nighttime position? I have a difficult time sleeping if I know I that I am drooling on the sheets my friends normally lay their heads upon. They are going to see the drool marks in the morning, and how will they feel about our friendship then? Probably not any better.

Everyone is all excited at those ice bars they construct in Sweden and Norway and Finland. Well sure, they look cool with their gleaming crystalline structures - but what happens if you are inside one and there is a sudden rise in the temperature outside? This is why I prefer my bars constructed of stone and wood. You never see those bars melt. While I am sitting inside the stone and wood bar of my choice watching closed circuit television of you in your precious ice bar, I will be sure to toast you during intense temperature fluctuations that bring it down around you.

I remember the days when using the word "exactly" meant something. Now it has become a conversation-ender when a person does not have anything more to say. This is why I am have started using "approximately" to conclude my exchanges. It brings back a sense of danger to my interactions with people.

I believe that diplomatic immunity was invented for the sole purpose of helping the writers of thrillers come up with their plot twists. What would they do without it? I am developing a similar theory about Truth Serum but I have not yet reached a conclusion. I will let you know when I do.

Why do people still use the word "apiece"? It is no longer 1913 and those people are not shipyard workers counting their crew's catch of the day. Probably, I mean. I do not know that for sure. I should not have been so damn exact with my original statement. Approximately.

People say that using smaller plates helps you eat less. That way, the same amount of food looks bigger and you do not gain weight. But are we humans really so stupid? Of course, as I type this I am eating my dinner of one pine nut and a dollop of salad dressing from a tea saucer. What do I know, anyway?

Do not move to a neighborhood where the residents keep lawn chairs outside by the street all the time. It is a sure sign that they will eventually turn on you and try to murder you while shouting, "Outlander!" and maybe "Infidel!" and "Traitor!" as well. But please do not hold me to this prediction. It is just a hunch. I am not a certified soothsayer. Not yet. Those licenses take forever to arrive.

TRUE FACT: Sourdough bread comes from a living thing called a Levain. Some Levains made in the 1800s are still alive now, and still being used to breed sourdough bread to his very day. That is some horror movie backstory right there. There is only one lesson to be learned here: DO NOT EVER EAT SOURDOUGH BREAD.

I was once in a movie theater when a fire started, but no one yelled "Fire!" Instead, as each person smelled the smoke, they stood up from their seat and quickly walked out. It was orderly as hell. Even though this was the safest way for the potential mob to handle the situation, it was a failure because I did not have an opportunity to put that Free Speech argument to the test. Maybe next time.

What examples do dentists use when they are trying to explain something unpleasant that they want to avoid? That must be their biggest challenge - aside from getting people to floss. No one enjoys that. It is their Götterdämmerung.

I used to know this girl whose last name was Chambersberg. She met a boy in her homeroom in high school, and his last name was also Chambersberg. It happens. They dated for four more years and then they got married. I often think about how much bureaucratic nonsense they avoided by not having to change their last names. They defied the odds, those two. I wonder if they are still married? Let me just Google her now…
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…aw, crap. Looks like she got divorced a few years ago. This whole story just fell to pieces. I am sooooo sorry.

Do you know who is cocky? Locksmiths. And I believe that they have every right to be. There is nowhere they cannot get into. Nowhere. You would be cocky too if you could eat your lunch atop a pile of gold bricks in a Fort Knox vault. Do not lie and say you wouldn't be, because I know the truth. I now possess the power of mind reading. Yes, the license came through, finally.