A Perfectly Reasonable Explanation: Daughter of Baker's Dozen

I once brought a grilled cheese sandwich to a gun fight. It was so much worse than if I had brought a knife. I really messed up.

If you ever visited a house you lived in as a kid once another family had moved in and changed everything around, then you know what true sorrow is. New families hardly ever retain shrines for the previous families' kids, though it would be pretty thoughtful if they did. This goes out to you, 18 Hunters Lane.

I was driving when the guy in front of me cleaned his windshield. I had to turn on my wipers to get his fluid off my car. Next, he lit up a cigarette and I got a lung full of smoke. Then I got really worried that he might have to go pee pee.

They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. I say stop eating transitive verbs.

When someone shows me photos of their trip to the Grand Canyon, or the Great Wall of China, or some other natural landmark, I always say, “I guess the pictures really do it justice, huh? This must be just as good as actually seeing it in person, right?” It never fails to rile their ass up.

When will Billy Joel write a sequel to "The Ballad of Billy the Kid"? It could even be a whole series of songs. You know nobody can dramatize the legends of the Old West like that guy. What a missed opportunity it will be if he dies before composing a song about Wild Bill Hickok. Billy's ghost is going to be kicking itself throughout eternity if that occurs.

When I was a kid, my father told me that Edison invented the lightbulb and Marconi invented the radio. I asked him who invented the television and he said, "Oh, a lot of people working at many different companies over a long period of time." Sorry but that did not cut it with my young self. So I made up an inventor named Englebert Televisioni and I have believed in him ever since. If you try to talk me out of it, you will have one disappointed man-child on your hands.

When a cashier is checking me out, I always turn the UPC bar codes toward them to make their jobs easier. This is how I plan to get into Heaven.

I ran into this guy who I had not seen for twenty years, but he instantly recognized me and remembered a lot about me from our youth. But then I saw him again one year later and he did not even remember my name. I did get slightly thicker glasses within that year - maybe that was what threw him off? I will probably never know.

While preparing to wrap a Christmas present for a friend, I went shopping for gift bags, tissue paper, and a card. As the cashier was checking me out, I got sad. I realized that everything being purchased was flat. I had completely forgotten to include the third dimension in my purchases.

"Threshold" is a pretty elaborate word for that little piece of metal that separates rooms with carpet from rooms without carpet. What are they trying to compensate for? A "bolt" of fabric seems pretty suspicious to me as well. Do not try to impress me with your aspirational names, inanimate objects. I do not write for the Walt Disney Company. I cannot make you famous.

This year I installed a car battery after mine had died. I do not have much skill or experience with cars, so this was a big deal for me. It went off without a hitch. It was a textbook battery install, if you ask me. When I had finished, I planned to post a photo of my successful battery installation on Facebook so I could receive compliments. But when I logged on, I saw a photo album my friend had just created. It was filled with dozens of beautiful images of a classic car he had built from scratch. So I held off and instead drank some hot chocolate while watching a 1981 interview of David Cronenberg. Man, "Scanners" was groundbreaking.