Baker's Baker's Dozen

1. If someone was immortal, how would we even know? Maybe they are only going to live to be 10,000. We cannot assume.
   


2. Someday I am going to open a store called "Keepsakes for Cheapskates". Anyone who can pronounce the name of my store without tripping up will be my loyal customer. But I am still not sure what I plan to sell. We will have one of those machines that crushes pennies, though. Kids cannot resist them.
   


3. I think it is time that I start addressing all Latina women as "Mami". I have been putting off making the change for too many years and I cannot hold back any longer. I mean, if Latina women can get away with it, then what is stopping me?
   


4. I do not believe in time travel because where's my phrestinoculator? You know damn well that I would have brought myself one of those back from the future by now. They are way too awesome to pass up.
   


5. You can tell a lot about what a person thinks of you by how willing they are to interrupt you when you are talking to someone else. They are probably just jealous of you guys, anyway. I mean, you two have been getting pretty chummy lately. Do not deny it. I have video.
   


6. How cool would it be if they got Shirley Jackson to authenticate the PowerBall drawing? (think about it)
   


7. Spelling "hors d'ouvre" makes me sweat.
   


8. Supposedly mowing the lawn drunk is dangerous. I think that is pretty judgmental, though. Do you agree? Okay, let me come clean. I did it once. But I was under the legal limit. Probably. I did not have a breathalyzer handy. Just a weed wacker for the parts I missed because of my extreme intoxication. Oops.
   


9. If you tell me a story about how you sing in the shower, or how you had some great idea in the shower, or any other tale involving a shower, then know this: I am just picturing you naked and wet. Soapy too. I cannot help it. It is not a conscious choice on my part. This is not pleasant for me either, you know. You are pretty hairy.
   


10. If there is one thing I cannot stand, it is blanket phrases.
    


11. I am currently writing a rap song about Batman. Here is what I have so far: "You're about as tricky as Ra's Al Ghul". I just need the rest. Do not worry. It will come to me. I cannot wait until it drops at Comic Con. It will be a huge hit with the geek crowd. I can just feel it.
    


12. No one ever tells their friend, "This too shall pass" when things are going well for them. That would just be cruel.
    


13. I had a friend who would always call me the morning of my birthday. But the thing is, he never remembered that it was my birthday. He was just calling to chit chat. Those were some depressing conversations.
    


14. I cannot decide which I find more difficult to believe - the idea that teeth flex or the idea that buildings flex. Wait - I just remembered that I have seen black and white footage of buildings flexing in strong winds. But I have never seen evidence of teeth flexing. Decision made.