First, let me thank you for being open to this meeting. As we have discussed, your ratings have been steadily declining this season. Yes, you had that little spike when you ran into that girl you used to date who is now an adult film star. That was quite fortunate. But you since you never called her back to follow up, we could not sustain that bump.
So we are going to make some changes this week. For one, your life will be broadcast live. Well, actually with a seven second delay in case someone says a cussword. Not that we do not want that. We would just need to bleep it out for the network broadcast. Actually, you know what? Why not curse this week? We can use the uncensored version as bonus content online. That will spice up our multi-platform experience.
We have another idea on how to boost your profile. We are going to give you a special guest star this week. You know that cute kid with the swoopy hair? The one with his own show on Nickelodeon? Or maybe Disney Junior? Whichever. That rapscallion will be your sidekick this week. It is going to cost us a bundle to get him on loan, but your ratings will surge - trust us. Just be careful around the kid. They treat him like royalty on his show. They throw groupies at him all the time. Maybe give him that adult star’s phone number. I know he will follow up.
Speaking of which, you will be kissing the ousted contestant from a popular reality competition show. Maybe two of them. And they will also kiss each other. We will be shooting these kisses in closeup so use that astringent we sent you. “Uncomfortable”? I am sorry, but we have been teasing this for a month. Reality show contestants will kiss and they will be kissed. We will not even need to “sweeten” the audience reaction on that one. They love to see such crossovers. It will be ripped from the headlines.
We have another plan. This one is a blockbuster. You are going 3D! That is why we have been shooting you with these extra huge cameras all week. Sure, only certain viewers will benefit from that extra dimension, but those viewers are your target demo. So please try exaggerating your movements from here on out. Break that fourth wall. Toss some stuff directly outward whenever possible. I do not know what. That is your call. Maybe your car keys or some breath mints. No, better keep those. You will need them for the kissing.
How do you feel about nudity? And by that I mean your own. Do not worry - the displaying of your naked body will be completely justified. That is easy since we wrote the script. We just want to show your bare hiney for a few seconds as you inadvertently wander onto a nude beach. Do not worry. We will pixelate you up to the top of your butt cleavage. Yes, your kid sidekick will be there too. He is very comfortable with this concept. Very comfortable.
On a scale of one to ten, how are your rollerblading skills? A one, huh? No matter. We will bring in a coach for you. It is important for you to get better because soon you will be rollerblading up a ramp and jumping over a line of babies. Chubby babies. And then you will be adopting one. It will be an amazing cliffhanger. We will only reveal which baby is yours at the start of your next season. Probably the one in the middle. He has the highest Q Score, after all. It is those cheeks.
“Hesitant”? Are you kidding? We are doing this for your benefit. You are the one who needs the promotion. You have plateaued, my friend, and that is not good in this business. You should be thanking us. We had even wilder things planned. Jimmy suggested that we remove your intestines (just the lower ones) and have a doctor put them back inside you backwards. We would have a clock in the corner of the screen and everything. And then you would die. NOT FOR REAL. Quit whimpering. We would have revealed that it was all a dream. But test audiences hated that idea. Apparently they do not think you are capable of such a clever dream. Do you see why we need to do this in the first place? Are you finally coming around?
One last thing. We will need to kill off one of your friends. No, not one of your close friends. Relax. Just some secondary character we have only recently introduced. You know that guy who you went to the Lumineers concert with? Yes, your friend’s husband Randy. I know you like him, but he will still need to perish at our hands. This is why we had him talk about his plans for the future in the previous episode. I am sorry. You will make other friends. He should never have gone spelunking in the first place. Randy knew better. He had a terrible sense of direction. Especially underground.
Just be happy you have our support in this. We are working for you. Now here. Take this razor and begin shaving your butt cheeks. We will need them extra smooth for the closeups. This is sweeps week, after all.
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