Intentionally Weak Handshake

I have a weak handshake. It is on purpose. Please do not think that I am unable to squeeze just a little bit harder. I do not suffer from some kind of muscular deficiency. Nor do I have a paralyzing fear of pulverizing the bones of those whose hands I grasp in greeting. I can control myself better than that. I am not some out-of-control automaton from the 1950s.

Let me tell you the answer to this conundrum: It is all part of an elaborate psyche-out game on my part. You see, when I shake the hand of someone and they feel my extreme (yet intentional) limpness, it causes them to underestimate me. That person comes to believe that I am both physically and mentally inadequate. Incapable of conquering the obstacles set before me. But this is the response I wanted all along. I will explain my reasoning below.

Let us imagine that I am placed into some kind of competition with that person who considers me a subhuman. Perhaps it is even a life-and-death scenario. It could happen. Who do you think would win that battle? Hint: It is not the other person. I would not be asking this question if that were the case.

I will be the victor. Because when the corrupt ruling class of the future society releases their genetically-altered hunting beasts, I will already be high atop the hillside sprinting toward my freedom while my “teammates” are being swiftly devoured.

What made this escape feasible? It was the handshake. No one anticipated that I would be able to scale that sheer cliffside. Nor did they did believe that I was capable of lifting my own weight as I climbed the rope I had fashioned from sentient vines. Those fools left me to my own devices and that was their ultimate downfall.

As the rogue offworld ship comes to rescue me from this fallen planetoid, its sexy alien pilot meeting my gaze with desire in her tri-stalked eyes, I glance back and see the mecha-warriors using my competitors’ ribcages as primitive musical instruments and I think, “Yuck.”

Thank you, weak handshake. I could not have asked for better subterfuge than you.

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