Sleepwalking Society

They say you’re never supposed to wake a sleepwalker, but how cool would it be if they never woke up on their own, either? A whole new world of possibilities would appear overnight. Nothing would be off limits in how we might exploit this new scenario - except maybe creating a series of obstacles that would send them off the edges of cliffs. That would be just too cruel.

There are all sorts of things we could do to take advantage of a society of sleepwalkers. For one, we could get kids to throw hula hoops at the somnambulists' bodies, awarding points for successful tosses (based on distance). Carnivals and amusement midways would compete for the franchise rights to these new games of chance. The most interesting sleepwalkers would start to gain fame, catapulting them to superstardom. Merchandising and life rights to their stories would be used to pay off the aggrieved families. Face it - they deserve some sort of compensation.

Another activity we could create would be to have dogs ride on the sleepwalkers' necks. People in the deep South would especially pay big bucks to see a bullmastiff hunkering down on an unsuspecting sleepwalker's neck. That kind of thing does not happen every day past the Mason-Dixon line. "Ride that sucker! Have at it, doggie!", they would yell with notable enthusiasm. Special harnesses would need to be created so that the dogs' hindquarters do not scratch or chafe any exposed flesh, though. We at headquarters would certainly take all the necessary precautions.

A whole new breed of sleepwalking prank shows would pop up. Johnny Knoxville and the gang would have a field day thinking up new and clever sleepwalker-related antics and stunts. I can easily see Miracle Whip being involved in some way. A swarm of wasps might also give the sleepwalkers a run for their money as the cameras roll. We need to think big here, people.We cannot let this opportunity slip away like the Great Sneezing Infection of '82. Never again.

Pharmaceutical companies would, of course, quickly develop a drug to treat the sleepwalkers. Not to cure them, though. This drug would only enhance the effects of the afflicteds' perpetual slumber. Maybe one variation on the serum would make the sleepwalkers rowdy, and they could then be easily persuaded to fight one another. Once those guys get going, very little can stop them - except maybe another sleepwalker goring them with a spiked helmet. Now that would be quite a sight.

Though I suppose you would have to feed the sleepwalkers every once in a while. They are not zombies, after all. Also, I would hate to think of it, but the roads and sidewalks would start to suffer from all that endless walking. Our infrastructure would begin crumbling before our eyes. Who would pay for that?

And the bathroom situation would be a nightmare. Even if you wanted to, you could not even roll the sleepwalkers over to change their soiled garments. They just keep walking... and walking... and walking...

NEVERMIND. I just changed my mind about how cool this whole concept would be. I’ll think of something else way better. Just give me time.

No comments:

Post a Comment