Baker's Baker's Baker's Dozen

  1. I once brought a grilled cheese sandwich to a gun fight. I really messed up.

  2. If you ever visited a house you lived in as a kid once another family had moved in and changed everything around, then you know what true sorrow is. New families hardly ever retain shrines for the previous families' kids, though it would be pretty thoughtful if they did. This goes out to you, 18 Hunters Lane.

  3. WHEN WILL I LEARN TO BE MORE PATIENT?!?!

    Oh.

  4. I was driving when the guy in front of me cleaned his windshield. I had to turn on my wipers to get his fluid off my car. Next, he lit up a cigarette and I got a lung full of smoke. Then I got really worried that he might have to go pee pee.

  5. They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. I say stop eating transitive verbs.

  6. When someone shows me photos of their trip to the Grand Canyon, or the Great Wall of China, or some other natural landmark, I always say, “I guess the pictures really do it justice, huh? This must be just as good as actually seeing it in person, right?” It never fails to piss them off.

  7. When will Billy Joel write a sequel to "The Ballad of Billy the Kid"? It could even be a whole series of songs. You know nobody can dramatize the legends of the Old West like that guy. What a missed opportunity it will be if he dies before composing a song about Wild Bill Hickok. Billy's ghost is going to be kicking itself throughout eternity if that occurs.

  8. I always feel closest to Lon Chaney Sr. when using BreatheRight® Pore Strips™.

  9. When I was a kid, my father told me that Edison invented the lightbulb and Marconi invented the radio. I asked him who invented the television and he said, "Oh, a lot of people working at many different companies over a long period of time." Sorry, but that will not to cut with my young self. So I made up an inventor named Englebert Televisioni and I have believed in him ever since. If you try to talk me out of it, you will have one disappointed man-child on your hands.

  10. When a cashier is checking me out, I always turn the UPC bar codes toward them to make their jobs easier. This is how I will get into Heaven.

  11. I ran into this guy who I had not seen for twenty years, but he instantly recognized me and remembered a lot about me from our youth. But then I saw him again one year later and he did not even remember my name. I did get glasses within that year - maybe that was what threw him off? Or my lack of shaving? I will probably never know.

  12. While preparing to wrap a Christmas present for a friend, I went shopping for gift bags, tissue paper, and a card. As the cashier was checking me out, I got sad. I realized that I had completely forgotten to include the third dimension in my purchases.

  13. "Threshold" is a pretty elaborate word for that little piece of metal that separates rooms with carpet from rooms without carpet. What are they trying to compensate for? A "bolt" of fabric seems pretty suspicious to me as well. Do not try to impress me, inanimate objects. I do not write for the Walt Disney Company. I cannot make you famous.

  14. What if someone was dying and on their deathbed they said, "You know, I really wish I had spent more time at the office"? Then that worn-out old saying would have a permanent footnote:
    "Hey Bill, do you want to go white water rafting with the gang this weekend?"
    "No, Stan. I have to finish up my big report by Monday morning."
    "But Bill, nobody on their deathbed ever said they wish they had spent more time at the office."
    "Not true, Stan. Morey Gumberson said that very thing back in 2013. Now how's about shutting up and letting me do my work?"

  15. This year I installed a car battery after mine had died. I do not have much skill or experience with cars, so this was a big deal for me. It went off without a hitch. It was a textbook battery install, if you ask me. When I had finished, I planned to post a photo of my successful battery installation on Facebook so I could receive compliments. But when I logged on, I saw a photo album my friend had just created. It was filled with dozens of beautiful images of a classic car he had built from scratch. So I held off and instead drank some hot chocolate while watching a 1981 interview of David Cronenberg. Man, "Scanners" was groundbreaking.

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