Monster Problem

I recently found myself driving through a series of small towns on my way to a store that I frequent. You do not need to know what kind of store it is. That is not germane to this story.

As I drove, I noted that this road had a high number of funeral homes on it. I would estimate that I passed fifteen of them in two or three miles. See? I was not lying about that number being high.

I began wondering why this little area would need so many funeral homes. There were no dangling electrical wires visible. No falling boulders either. Hmm...

Then it hit me like a bolt of thunder: the area must have a monster problem. Why else would so many of these places exist in such close proximity? Monsters must be roaming their sleepy streets. Of course.

And most likely the monster behind this rash of murders is a werewolf. Werewolves are able to get around faster than any other monster, so they would be able to cover the groundwork needed to create this localized epidemic. So yes, it is a werewolf. No question.

Unless it is a vampire. Yes. Now that I give this situation further thought, vampires must be the true culprits here. After all, they can transform themselves into bats and fly to their targets under cover of the night. That cinches it. A vampire thirsty for sustenance in the form of blood stalks those towns.

But wait. Vampires do not create many dead bodies. Not unless some interloper gets in their way, and that is a rarity. No, the undead tend to create more soulless creatures like themselves. That would not explain the increase in funeral homes that I came across. Not at all.

Perhaps it is collection of monsters working together. Some kind of hideous cabal may have formed. No. Wait. I am laughing at myself now. It is well known that monsters do not work well together. That only happens in the movies. In real life, commingled monsters would never be able to form a cross-functional team. There would be far too many arguments over territories and methods of attack. And the group's name would be a huge issue. The monsters would probably go with a boring acronym to minimize internal strife. It would not help in the long run, though. The acronym would only be a Band-Aid covering deeper problems.

So what then? Mummies in the suburbs? Do not be so absurd. I will not address that suggestion any further. And the area in question has no lagoons nearby, so before you propose it, a Gill-Man is out as well. Plus, Gill-Men always leave drippings of fetid water in their wake. I doubt the townspeople, dim as they are, would have missed the drippings. One of those dolts would have slipped in it for sure. Then they would file an insurance claim. That would leave paper trail, and we do not have one of those. I already checked.

You know who this leaves. Correct: Frankenstein's Monster. But how could Dr. Frankenstein's famous creation cover such a large area? I already told you that multiple towns are being affected here. That brute can barely stumble for half a block before he gets winded.

The answer is obvious: the patchwork creature has somehow acquired a go-kart. There is no way he could have learned to drive a regular automobile. He was given the brain of a deranged criminal, lest you forget. And his enormous shoes would never allow for the proper operation of the gas and brake pedals. Those things weigh a few pounds each. It is ridiculous.

And it is not like some hooligan could be paid off to drive the Monster around in his own vehicle, either. What could the Monster offer him in exchange, anyway? Ruffian getaway car drivers will not accept payment in a series of guttural moans. Not these days.

So Frankenstein's Monster in a go-kart is the answer to this mystery. I have worked it out. He lives in a cave near the river and cruises from neighborhood to neighborhood in his tricked-out go-kart with its small-but-feisty two-stroke engine, strangling residents when the opportunity arises. His victim count rose high enough to greatly benefit the area's funeral services industry. It is the only explanation that makes sense. There you have it.

Oh, and not that anyone has asked me for the solution to this problem, but here it is anyway: do not sell gas to the Frankenstein's Monster. He does not need to be encouraged.